


Oompa Loompa

by NellieOleson



Category: Stargate SG-1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-29
Updated: 2012-03-29
Packaged: 2017-11-02 17:01:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/371321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NellieOleson/pseuds/NellieOleson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anything that could make Carter want to lick him was good news as far as Jack was concerned. Prompt response to :Jack covered in chocolate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oompa Loompa

Jack hated being early. Early was for birds, not military officers with a reputation of coolness to uphold. But here he was. Not a bird, still mostly cool, and standing alone in the gate room. He took a moment to look around the room he'd almost died in so many times. It was deceptively peaceful at the moment, like it hadn't been host to a myriad of freakish and dangerous aliens in its illustrious career. Jack looked up at the glass wall, hoping to see something interesting but there was only Walter staring at him from the control room. Jack waved and Walter gave him a slightly confused wave in return. Walter was always early, which provided a sense of justification for Jack's own reluctance to be anything but a last-minute kind of guy. He turned around so Walter would have to stare at his ass.   
  
Jack checked his watch. They weren't scheduled to leave for another fifteen minutes. He thought about walking back to the armory so he could come back later with his coolness intact. He thought about hiding and scaring the next person to walk in. He looked around for a good place to hide but the pickings were slim. Carter showed up while he was fantasizing about sneaking into the gate room and painting the gate to look like a giant Jack-O-Lantern. Hammond would probably have his ass on extra duty for the rest of his life but how cool would that be? Carter walked over and stood beside him. She gave him a look like she knew he was thinking about something stupid and readjusted the strap on her weapon. Jack thought about the fact that Walter would be staring at her ass too now. He turned around and Walter quickly and wisely found something else to look at.  
  
"Carter." Jack nodded at her and tried to think of something besides the Great Gate Pumpkin to talk about. "Are you going trick-or-treating tonight?" It was a stupid question, maybe he should have tried harder.  
  
"Yes," she said. She wasn't smiling but Jack was mostly certain she was just toying with him because that's what women did. Sure, Jack would have given her some candy if she showed up at _his_ house, but her neighbors would just think her more of an oddity if they spotted her out trolling for candy on Halloween.   
  
"You don't say." Jack played along for a while because there was nothing else to do. People were starting to congregate in the control room now. Jack looked at his watch again, wondering if Daniel and Teal'c were planning on playing hooky this mission.   
  
"I do say," said Carter.  
  
He was almost afraid to ask, but there were only so many questions to choose from in this story. "What are you wearing?"  
  
"My intergalactic super-hero costume." She smiled at him like they were sharing some great secret and Jack began to wonder if she really was going to dress up.   
  
"You are not."  
  
"I am," she said. "I have a cape, some tights, boots. How about you, sir?"  
  
"Me?" Jack was at a loss. Carter in tights and boots was too much for his brain to process, mostly because his brain had neglected to add any other clothing. Sometimes he wasn't sure why he talked to her at all. It was unhealthy. "I- I don't want to talk about this anymore, Carter."  
  
He was spared from finishing the conversation when Daniel came trotting in, followed by Teal'c who was not in any way trotting. Jack imagined them as the tortoise and the hare well into November.  
  
*****  
  
An official-looking mob was assembled around the DHD on the other side of the wormhole. They'd already been in contact with the local government through the MALP and had been promised a complete tour of whatever interesting stuff they had to share. Technologically, they were at a similar level to Earth; ahead on some things, slightly behind on others. It was an ideal opportunity for exchange and they had been sent to make the most of it.   
  
"Greetings," said the most important looking guy. He pointed to himself. "I am called Frank.  I am pleased to welcome you to Sorba-Omba."  
  
"Seriously?" Jack looked around but the rest of SG-1 seemed to be taking the introduction in stride. Like they encountered aliens named Frank or Joe on every damn planet. "Your name is Frank? Frank from _Sorba-Omba?_ "  
  
Frank was beginning to look panicked. "Yes," he said. "Have you heard of me?"   
  
"Jack." Daniel was working up to his pissy look. Jack got that a lot. Today, though, he felt it was completely unjustified. B _ecause the alien guy from the planet Sorba-Omba was named Frank._  
  
"Come on, Daniel. Frank?" Still with the pissy look. Jack put his hands up and shut his mouth when it became obvious that nobody was going to join him. His team could suck the humor out of anything when they set their minds to it.  
  
Daniel took over the diplomacy and Jack worked his way into the background with Carter and Teal'c. All the alien people who weren't Frank were staring at them. He kicked Carter's boot and she looked at him like she wanted to smack him, which he fully expected her to do some day. Because he tried really hard to be annoying and she knew it. He gave her his best questioning look, hoping she'd know which question he was trying to ask. She didn't know or didn't care because she walked away and stood next to Teal'c.   
  
Sometime after forever, all the talking was over and they made their way through the large crowd to the coolest transportation device Jack had ever seen. It was some sort of long, hovering, tube thing with gull-wing doors and a flaming exhaust port. Jack felt all the testosterone in his body quiver at the sight of it. "Can I drive?" He asked Frank.   
  
Frank didn't let him drive and Jack sulked most of the ride into the city. The city was modern and shiny and full of people. It made Jack uncomfortable, he'd never liked being surrounded by people. He much preferred the sparsely populated, quaint planets where they had to pee in the woods and the locals thought their weapons were powered by magic.  
  
They were escorted to an impressive conference room where they sat through alien versions of Power Point presentations about a bunch of stuff Jack wasn't interested in--aqueducts and batteries and medicine. Jack wondered if the Frankensteins had their own incarnation of Bill Gates. Probably one on every planet. Maybe he was an alien who'd populated the galaxy with his own clones. Maybe Gates wasn't a name. Maybe it was a verb. Bill _gates_. To other planets. Maybe global software domination wasn't enough. Maybe he wanted galactic domination. Stranger things had happened.  
  
Jack's eyes were starting to burn and he was getting hungry. Bill Gates and his clones had ceased to be amusing an hour ago. He glanced at his team. Carter was practically drooling over some sort of phase-related technology. Daniel was huddled over a book. Jack suspected Teal'c was bored but he did a damn fine job hiding it. A new Frankenstein was standing at the front of the room droning on and on and on about exports and product labeling and tracking. Jack wanted to cry.  
  
"...and the jewel of our manufacturing sector is this," the droning voice was saying. Jack perked up a bit. The 'jewel' looked a lot like chocolate. Good chocolate. Rich, dark, non-boring chocolate. Monotony-breaking chocolate.  
  
"Can we go there?" Jack pointed to the screen, interrupting the speaker who looked like he was just about to dive into a lengthy prepared speech on the wonders of looks-like-chocolate-but-might-not-be alien stuff. Carter elbowed him in the ribs. If she was going for subtle, she missed her mark.  
  
"Why do you want to see that, sir?" She asked. "After all they've shown us?"  
  
"Because it looks like chocolate."  
  
"What kind of reason is that?" Daniel asked from his right. "Seriously, how did you ever make it this far up the chain of command, Jack?"  
  
"I, too, would like to see this place," said Teal'c. Jack thought he looked a little desperate. Like maybe he'd been on the verge of killing everyone.  
  
"Well, there you have it," said Jack. He stood up and clapped Teal'c on the shoulder. "You've always been my favorite," he told Teal'c, making sure to whisper loud enough for the others to hear.  
  
*******  
  
They got to ride in the cool car things again and Jack thought the trip would be worth the trouble just for that. Maybe they could take one home and reverse-engineer it or something. He'd have to take some measurements to be sure, but he thought it might fit through the gate.  
  
They could smell the factory for a good five minutes before they pulled up in front of its huge warehouse doors. Jack was relieved to find that it smelled as much like chocolate as it looked. Even Carter was starting to look enthused which was good because she'd been trying to set his hair on fire with her glare while they were in the car thing.   
  
Their tour was a little backwards but Jack didn't hold it against their hosts since it was all his idea and they probably hadn't planned for it at all. They started at the loading docks where boxes were being shipped out to the masses. Jack kept looking for an orphan box or two so that he could steal a piece or ten but the Frankensteins ran a tight ship. He'd just have to wait. They were led past conveyor belts and rollers and molding thingys and Jack grew impatient. Finally a great cauldron appeared and Jack walked toward it. He kept expecting Willie Wonka to show up but there was only Carter, following him to the edge of the giant pot. He'd be sure to point out how he was right about what a good idea this was later.  
  
The vat of slow-cooking liquid waited patiently for Jack and Carter to stick their noses over the edge before producing an impressive shower of exploding bubbles. They would have had plenty of time to avoid it if they hadn't watched the bubbles grow like two idiots who didn't know what the end result would be.  
  
Jack was just enough taller to bear the brunt of the mess. "Ack!" He backed up, grabbing Carter by the arm and taking her with him. "It's hot!" Jack flailed around a bit trying to shake the stuff off. It didn't help.   
  
Carter was unsympathetic. "And good," she said. Some of the--chocolate, he was just going to call it chocolate from now on-- had landed on her face. She stuck her tongue out and licked it off her upper lip. Jack couldn't stop himself from doing the same. To his own lip, not hers. Not that he wouldn't if she asked or anything. It _was_ good. Really good.  
  
Carter swiped her finger down Jack's cheek and stuck it in her mouth. It was a slow, calculated move. "I just want to lick you," she said, and Jack almost passed out. She moved a little closer to him and Jack had to blink to keep his vision from going wonky.  
  
"Yes," Jack heard himself say. "I want that too." And he did. Oh, did he ever. She was picking off the pieces of chocolate that had dried on her TAC vest and eating them. It probably wasn't a good idea but Jack didn't stop her because the stuff was really good and maybe he'd just take a piece too.   
  
"Are you two okay?" Daniel looked concerned and mildly amused.  
  
"No," said Jack. No, no, no, no and no. He was most certainly not okay because he seemed to have lost the last bit of control over his mouth. He turned to Frank. "What the hell is in this stuff?"  
  
Frank stepped back. "I am not at liberty to disclose that information," he said. "It is a closely guarded recipe." Frank had the good sense to look worried. Damage control wasn't fun and if something went wrong with this little visit, Frank was going to be the guy in the hot seat. "I can, however, tell you that it is an immensely popular treat among my people and no one has ever reported any ill-effects from its consumption."  
  
"Well that's comforting." His smart-assery fell flat. Carter was staring at him like she was going to make good on her licking idea. If only everyone else would just disappear. "I wish you guys would leave so I could let Carter lick me."  
  
"Me too," said Carter. "Didn't you want to see the...the important cultural thing, Daniel?"  
  
"What important cultural thing?" Poor Daniel. He looked so excited for a moment. Carter was mean. "Did you just make that up, Sam?"  
  
"Yes, Daniel. I made it up. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I bet there's at least one important cultural thing on this planet."  
  
Daniel turned his back on Carter and focused his Encyclopedia Brown questioning skills on the alien guy. "Frank, do your people have any sort of reaction when they eat this?" Daniel glanced back at Jack and Carter. Carter smiled at him. "Like a loss of inhibition, maybe?"  
  
"I have never known such a thing to happen," said Frank.  
  
"Perhaps they are immune to the effects," said Teal'c.   
  
"Yeah. Or maybe their physiology is just different," said Daniel.  
  
"That's too bad," said Jack. Because anything that could make Carter want to lick him was nothing but good news as far as he was concerned.   
  
"Daniel's cute when he's frustrated," Carter whispered.  
  
"He really is," Jack whispered back. Daniel glared at them. They weren't very good at whispering.   
  
"I think we need to get you two back to the SGC," said Daniel. "And try not to eat all of this stuff, Janet will probably need a sample." He picked a fleck out of Jack's hair and stuck in his pocket for safe-keeping.  
  
"Janet's tiny," said Carter.  
  
"Yes, Sam. That's very helpful." Daniel put a hand on her elbow and steered her away from the chocolate. "Let's all just get back on the bus to the gate," he said.  
  
Jack grabbed Carter's hand before Daniel could take her away. "Carter and I want our own car," he told Daniel.  
  
"No, Jack." Daniel kept walking, dragging the two of them along with Teal'c following closely. There would be no escape.  
  
But maybe they could get the back seat all to themselves and talk some more about that super-hero outfit.


End file.
